Attention new parents: Nobody wants to hear about how tough it is having a baby around.
I’ve been surrounded by new parents lately and everyone one of them just loves to tell me how little sleep they’ve had, how little Timmy’s rash is doing, or all about Susie’s diarrhea.
The cold, hard truth is that every non-parent couldn’t care less. What do we think while you’re telling us this? We think: “Why is this person complaining about their child with the same emotion as a Barack Obama speech? If they are so tired, why are they still talking about diapers? Maybe if I stick my pen in my eye they’ll leave me alone…”
New parents will get absolutely no sympathy from me.
Nobody forced you to procreate – and unless Junior was a “mistake,” you planned on having this sprog. So please, if you want to commiserate about how tough your life is as a direct result of a decision you consciously made, please do it out of earshot of me.
Attention: Anyone. Remember zip-off cargo pants? I do. There was a short while where they were all the rave with dorks, nerds and awkward folks for use in their everyday wardrobe.
I can see the benefit of these lightweight puppies for the outdoorsy folks. Sometimes hiking and camping, its necessary to pack light, so why not have a pair of pants that goes both ways (tee hee, both ways). When I’ve seen them in public, it was usually around campus. Typically I’d groan, but some guys had that outdoor, modern day Grizzly Adams look going on, except with Tevas and Nalgenes instead of moccasins and an ol’ timey water bladder. In those cases, I’d let it slide.
Today, downtown I came across something horrendous. Zip-off cargo pants and a neatly pressed oxford (tucked in, sleeves fully buttoned, etc) with a pair of loafers. Honestly I wanted to go up and slap this “gentlemen”. Was it a gift from his 3-year-old and he felt obligated to wear it? Was he going for a hike along the Erie Towpath Canal after work? Is he that out of touch?
So this is for you, crazy, hiking, lamer-than-FDR’s-legs, businessmen: Zip-off cargo pants is not acceptable business wear.
Attention all business casual business men. I know its getting warm out there. But for the love of god, if you’re going to undo two (or sometimes one) of your buttons on your shirt, please be wearing some type of undershirt.
1) I don’t want to see your chest hair, and neither does anyone else.
2) I don’t want to be able to ballpark your bra size more easily. Stop, you’re reminding all of us of our grandmother’s cleavage.
3) Buy more breathable fabrics. That 40s ply cotton twill oxford? Put him in the closet for the summer.
4) Anything will do, wife beater, crew neck, I don’t care.
5) Wear a polo instead.
6) Roll up your sleeves.
7) For the love of god, anything. You look like a schmuck, and 99% of people who see you will think the same. Just thank god that you might have a wife at home who hasn’t thrown out your tapered Lee’s, white Asics and woven belt.