Oh baby!

You know what really tweaks my nipples?  Babies…more specifically, babies with parents who feel that somehow their decision to reproduce makes them entitled to special treatment anywhere they go.

I have saved a special space in my to-be-built-dungeon for these uber-lazy parents.  You know, the ones who push little Mercedes or Trevor around in one of those enormous tanks disguised as a stroller.  I see them on the subway during rush hour, taking up the space of 5 people, I see them in narrow groceries stores, I see them forcing people off the side walk…and the worst part of the deal, there’s always a baby inside them, pooping and peeing and generally carrying on.  It seems lazy to me…not only are you forcing your spawn upon everyone, but you’re taking up precious urban space while doing it and making sure your kids starts out life in a fat promoting position, preparing it for a life of obesity.

Worse off, if you voice this opinion you are labeled as either hating babies, not understanding what it’s like being a parent, or both.  But here’s the deal…I’ve seen what REAL parents are like.  I was riding the subway north from Eaton Centre a few weeks ago and saw a bizarre thing: A mother and her infant daughter and not a stroller in sight!  I was so surprised that I asked her about it…here is what she said, paraphrased:

Well, I live downtown, and those strollers take up so much space…I have one at home, but only use it when we go to the park.  I prefer carrying my daughter around…it’s good exercise for both of us and we have more physical contact.

Boom, the perfect parent.  Also of note, there was no baby-accompanying tote of assorted toys, treats, and what not, just a small bag for some diapers and a bottle.  If I ever have a child I darn well will try to imitate this mom.  Heck, even one of those fun little baby bags you wear is a good option.

Oh, what prompted this little rant, you ask?  Well, mostly this article and the accompanying website.  Also, I apparently live in the GTA’s breeding ground…yeesh.

The moral?  Not really one, just felt like venting.  Now I must ice my nipples.


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13 responses to “Oh baby!”

  1. jimsey says :

    i really love dodging the tanks on a crowded bus or train.

  2. Ben says :

    Yay, welcome to Ben Co. Rebekah…I know you have more to say than that, though!

  3. Mikhail says :

    A little off topic, but still in the “Oh Baby” realm of things. My god, heaven help us!


    I tried to find a more credible source, but I’ve heard it multiple places now.

    Maybe they should just make a Wii game for parenting, so the lazy asses don’t have to do any work.

  4. Ben says :


    Damn work filter blocked me…how am I supposed to get my Paris fix?

  5. Annette says :

    Baby bag? I don’t think those are legal.

  6. A cultural guide for the non believer says :

    We know people are insane. They then decide to reproduce. More insane people. What are these people?

    So, like the ice nipple thing, your a guy, right? If your not it’s okay ’cause, you know, iced nipples aren’t bad……….. or good, they just are, iced, and need to thaw properly…

  7. Ben says :

    Hey A cultural,

    Are you offering to thaw my nipples? Not on the first date…unless you get me really drunk.

    Thanks for leaving your two cents…and more!

  8. Lachlan says :

    I find it amusing that after your post, the “possibly related link” was a $200 burger king burger.
    Maybe that’s the solution…we make burgers out of babies. I even have a campaign ready for the promotion. “Baby…..it’s the new veal.”

  9. jimsey says :

    I think Arby’s tried that back in the mid 80s….met with mild success, and scrapped.

  10. Laurie Kendrick says :

    Update your stuff, please. I like the way ya’ll write.

    Cut me some slack…I’m from Texas.


  11. Ben says :

    Hey Laurie,

    It’s okay that you’re from Texas, you’re probably one of the good ones. You know, the hip kids who live in Austin. Or Chuck Norris’ sidekick on Walker, Texas Ranger. He seemed like a nice guy.

    Thanks for the kick in the pants, I’ve been slacking off lately.


  12. Pat says :

    What are you using “GTA” for. There is nothing in the dictionary stating what that stands for.

    Please refrain from using such nonsense in the future.

    Reference to https://benelling.wordpress.com

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