Internetless Workplace

So this past Monday was an interesting day in the workplace.  To begin with, let me set the stage.  Because of where Canada Day fell this year (Tuesday, July 1), Monday was pretty much going to be a wash to begin with.  Most people were taking the Monday off to make a nice long weekend, while poor saps like me were stuck dragging our butts in.

I had all sorts of plans – I was going to do my online banking, work on my resume, write a nice post for Ben Co., and generally dink around online.  But something went horribly, horribly wrong…on Monday, June 30, I had no internet for the entire day.

That’s right, the entire network was down…no internet, no email, no Outlook, no networked drives, no nothin’.  I could explain how bored I was, but I thought it would be better to give you a play by play.

Monday, June 30th

8:15 a.m. – Get off train and walk to elevator.  Overhear someone mention something about, “…network problems…”

8:16 a.m. – Arrive on floor and run into guy who gets here at 6:30 a.m. everyday.  He confirms that, yes, the network is down.

8:20 a.m. – Sit at computer and power up.  Quickly realize that this just isn’t an Outlook thing or a network thing…I can’t access the REAL internet!  My palms begin to sweat.

8:21 a.m. – Haven’t checked email for 1 hour, getting shaky.

8:25 a.m. – Try to open Firefox again.  No luck.

8:26 a.m. – Try again with Firefox.  Still nothing.

8:27 a.m. – I take a deep breath and say, “Easy, old boy, you can do this.”

8:27:30 a.m. – Begin to weep uncontrollably.

8:30 a.m. –  Get a hold of yourself, man!  Decide to be productive and start organizing my desk.

8:31 a.m. – Try Firefox again.  Arrgh!

8:32 – 10:00 a.m. – Alternate between filing, checking internet, filing, checking internet.

10:10 a.m. – The little computer with the x through starts mocking me.  It sounds like a little person sucking on helium.

10:30 a.m. – Wander around floor looking for stuff to steal for my office.  Acquire a plant, a can of Diet Pepsi and a foot rest from empty offices.

11:00 a.m. – Early lunch.  Read the rest of my book.  Stare at wall.  Contemplate whether I have a soul or not.

1:00 a.m. – Hang a calendar and picture I’ve been meaning to hang.  Skip through all the upcoming months to look at the pictures.

1:10 p.m. – Hear rumour that the 2nd floor has internet.  Check mine. Nothing.  Get bucket to go to 2nd floor to borrow some internet.

1:30 p.m. – Position chair to take nap while appearing to read.  Keep getting interrupted by other bored guy who misses the internet.

1:40 p.m. – Oh God, why am I being punished so?!? Promise first-born in exchange for internet.

1:45 p.m. – Flagellation begins using network cables fashioned into cat-o-nine-tails.

2:00 p.m. – Re-file morning filing, this time by weight of each file, then by smell of paper.

2:30 p.m. – Draw series of familiar webpages on paper, tape to screen one after other.  Almost fool myself for a second.

2:35 p.m. – More uncontrollable weeping.  Wish I had a six pack of Schlitz.

3:00 p.m. – Manager stops in, says that if “you don’t have anything pressing, you could wander off.”

3:01 p.m. – Run to train like a bat out of hell.

3:25 p.m. – Me, in slow motion, running to embrace my compy as tears of joy stream down my face.

Yup, that’s pretty much how it went.  The lesson?  Invest in a good smartphone.


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5 responses to “Internetless Workplace”

  1. jimsey says :

    god, what did people do back in the day?

  2. Ben says :

    I think they churned butter.

  3. rsulli03 says :

    In public? Gross.

  4. jimsey says :

    you leave the amish out of this!

  5. Lachlan says :

    Our network went down at 11am the other day. I pretended I was sick and went home and played Tiger Woods golf. All I can say is fuck Vijay Singh. Fuck him up his stupid ass.

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