Up Yours 2007!
So we sit here to commemorate yet another anniversary of the sun rotating around the earth. I’ve never really liked Johannes Kepler, so screw him, I’m going to live in a geocentric universe. Seemed to work out pretty well for the Greeks.
Without further ado, my resolutions for 2008:
1) Blog more on Ben Co. You see, the founder of Ben Co. spends way too much time talking about real issues like politics, health care and the environment. But we all know the real reason people blog is because they think they are so goddamn interesting, that people will intentionally go out of their way daily to hear them whine about relationships, a pair of shoes, or what they did last night. I intend to bring that “me, me, me” aspect to Ben Co. that it is sorely lacking
2) Make fewer “your mom” jokes.
3) Actually let your mom stick around long enough to eat breakfast.
4) Punch anyone in the face who wears these glasses:
I was anxiously counting down until the year 2010 when we won’t have to see them anymore, but a friend of mine pointed out that you can just shift the “1” over the nose, and you still have two “0”s for the eyes. So I’ll be counting down until 2011. But until then, If I see you wearing them, I hope the tiny plastic shards that are produced from my punch don’t jab your retina too harshly.
5) Get Ben to finally eat pork rinds. Most of us here know Ben reasonably well, and I bet if I asked anyone, “can you foresee Ben eating a bag of Pork Rinds while watching TV?” I guarantee nearly all of us would say “yes”. I mean, this is the guy that ate multiple bowls of chili with no hands for an Xbox.
6) Clean out my ostomy bag.
7) Observe Rosh Hashanah. So if these resolutions don’t work out, On October 1st, I can get a redo, and shift into the year 5769 and just call 2008 a wash
8 ) Overcome my fear of small hedges.
9) Poop less.
10) And finally, stop being nice to people. It occurred to me that I have way too may “peripheral” friends that yield little value to my life. I was thinking about all the different names these peripherals call me: James, Jimmy, Pope, JP, Jamesy, Jimsey, Jimothy, Jamesthanial, Poodle, Soy, Zippy McGee*, Dave-James, etc. I show up to your parties, I do you favors, I sub in for “dates” to events, I’ll help you through tough discussions and decisions, I’m always nice. What do I get out of it? When I need someone to drink with, they aren’t around, when I need a favor, phone calls aren’t returned, and when I throw a party, you don’t show up. Yes, I’m still holding a grudge over my birthday party where literally no one showed up until 1:00 AM.
So up yours periphery friends, you probably can’t even tell me what my hobbies are, what I do for a living, but I’m sure you’ll call when you need something.
*Okay that one was made up.