2008 Presidential campaign issues too tough for you?

If you’re like most Americans you prefer your news in short 30 second sounds-bites.  You know, like Fox News: “War in Iraq a-okay, immigrants bad, biased liberal media at it again.”

If this is your style then you might be feeling overwhelmed by all of these so-called “issues” you hear about regarding candidates for the 2008 presidential election.  Do any of us really have the time to read a whole newspaper full of words and stuff anymore?

Fear not, Ben Co. to the rescue.  The Washington Post has been kind enough to provide a sophisticated “issue coverage tracker”which ranks issues related to a particular candidate in the same manner as tag clouds.

But even this might be confusing for the average voter.  To help, I’ve developed a users guide on how to best apply this to conversations in order to sound like you know what you’re talking about:

1. Choose a candidate – in this example we’ll choose Hillary Clinton.

2. Pick your issue and look at how big the letters are.  Memorize the issue and the size of the letters. Let’s pick health care, it’s big.

3.  Here’s the tricky part.  If you are in a conversation about Hillary Clinton you have to decide if you should be for health care or against health care.  Don’t worry if you don’t really know what the issue is about, that’s not required.

3a. If you are for health care you would say, “That Clinton, she’s all over the health care issue” while nodding your head vigorously.

3b.  If you are against health care you would say, “That Clinton, she’s all over the health care issue” while shaking your head vigorously.

4. If you forget these rules, don’t panic. Here’s your fallback.  If you blank, just remember the issue and the size of the letters, and say the name of the issue at a corresponding volume.  For example, if someone says, “What do you think of Hillary Clinton?” you would respond by yelling “HEALTH CARE!”

There, you can now go to your next cocktail party armed with all the tools you need to masterfully debate the upcoming election.  You’re welcome! 

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2 responses to “2008 Presidential campaign issues too tough for you?”

  1. jimsey says :

    I would have gone with a more appropriate “fer” and “agin”

  2. Mark Iocchelli says :

    I’m glad that in Canada our votes are strictly based on a candidates choice of beer and back bacon.

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