10 Reasons Gay Marriage Should be Illegal

I love sarcasm. And I love good sarcasm even more. So I’m passing on this list of 10 reasons gay marriage should be illegal that Humberto shared with me. You can find the original here.

10 Reasons Gay Marriage Should be Illegal

01) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.

02) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

03) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

04) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed at all like many of the principles on which this great country was founded; women are still property, blacks still can’t marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

05) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of marriages like Britney Spears’ 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

06) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn’t be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren’t full yet, and the world needs more children.

07) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

08) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That’s why we have only one religion in America.

09) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That’s why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven’t adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

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74 responses to “10 Reasons Gay Marriage Should be Illegal”

  1. Annette says :

    Love it! My thoughts exactly!

  2. Mark Iocchelli says :

    That’s terrific! In fact, it was so good you have your first Spammer scraping your content.

  3. keltic says :

    I love this list! of course, gay parents are already out there doing a great job, perhaps even better than straight parents.

  4. jimsey says :

    but why oh why would my secretary of state lie to me???

    http://www.wtol.com/Global/story.asp?S=2457596

    • Michelle says :

      He would be REALLY upset at the two obviously gay male ducks out at the duck pond where I live.

  5. SexyCoolSuperSpy says :

    Also, the Bible considers homosexuality a sin. The Bible also considers violence, animosity, greed, hatred, and prejudice against those different than you to be a sin, and we all know America could never be guilty of THOSE things.

  6. Ben says :

    Jimsey, I love that he refers to “barnyard logic” as if there are never any instances of homosexual relations outside of humans. Of course we all know scientists are controlled by the hippy left, anyways. And those penguins? Not gay, just good drinking buddies.

    SexyCoolSuperSpy – I completely agree, I never see ANY instances of violence, animosity, greed, hatred, or prejudice ANYWHERE in the world, so best to stamp on this “sin” as well.

  7. jimsey says :

    if penguins are just good drinking buddies and not gay, what does that make us?

  8. Ben says :

    Penguins who like to drink? Or gay drinking buddies who like penguins? Or good drinking buddies who like gay penguins? I’m so confused…

  9. sassifer says :

    Rofl. Love it.. just love it. PS thanks for the comment! =-) Lovely blog you have..

  10. Joshua G Bynon says :

    Homosexuality, should be made illegal for the sane fact that it threatens all human life on the planet. Just imagine, every human on earth turns gay, no more reproduction of human life, bye bye humanity! Thats right boys and girls, the human race will go extinct if homosexuality is considered as “responsible” and “ok”. Two men can not make a baby, nor can two women make a baby, hence everyone becoming gay is very very bad for the survival of humanity.

    Now let’s take it one step further, now most of humanity is homosexual and no longer reproducing, and the rest of women are having abortions. Does anyone else see the major threat pointed at humanity? On the yearly avarage, there are about 48 million abortions a year, thats right 48 million x homosexual = kiss you @ss goodbye humanity!

    And abortion is murder, due to the fact that the woman is terminating the only process that can produce life, hence destroying life.

    I don’t bother taking the approach “this is evil”, I rather take the logical conclusion that faces us directly, these things offer nothing to the protecting of human life. Homosexuality, and abortion can only end life, never create it. Hence being a homosexual, or an abortionist is a HATE CRIME against HUMANITY!

    • Marcus Collison says :

      I know this was 3 years ago, and hopefully you’re dead by now. But if only 10% of a population is gay, which is a higher number than most agree on, that means 90% of all people are straight. So all those straight couples have to do is have, on average, 2.222 children, which is much lower than the actual mark, to keep the same number of people. And since our population continues to rise, it obviously means your ‘death-scenario’ is never happening. And as far as abortion, each case needs to be examined before damning the process entirely.

      • Mark says :

        Are you sure this wasn’t satire?

      • Amy Smith says :

        Thank you for pointing out that person’s flawed logic. I truly hope it was satire that they were using because if they were being serious then they are exactly what is wrong with this country! And this article was about homosexuality and how silly people’s arguments against it are, where the hell did the abortion stuff come from? Jeez, go preach your crazy somewhere else.

      • Amelia Kennedy says :

        Because there are only gay kinds of people and straight kinds of people. They don’t make transexuals, people attracted to transexuals that don’t identify themselves as such, bisexuals, pansexuals, asexuals, androphiles, gynephiles, androgynosexuals, omnisexuals, bicurious, or the kinsey scale 1-6. I think I’m done. I’m not even even gonna touch the rest of it.

    • Bigjar says :

      LOGICAL? HM

    • Chad Kettner says :

      And infertility should be made illegal for the sane fact that it threatens all human life on the planet. And single people who choose to never procreate — make it illegal! :rolleyes:

    • Lady says :

      Don’t worry, we barely noticed the meth-addict tone to this speech. Your secret is safe with us, darling.

    • Catboy (@CatboySuperhero) says :

      This is the most bugshit asshole of a bigoted anti-gay comment I’ve ever heard outside of a Rebublican who was later outed as gay.

    • God says :

      Dickhead…

      You are why arguments for sterilisation are reasonable

    • adam says :

      This is logical? Oh I see….because homosexuality is contagious. I gotcha….totally understand now.

    • MisterC says :

      Wouldn’t “every human on earth turns gay” lead to zero abortions? Isn’t that a plus?

    • Jennifer says :

      You sir are warped… not everyone is going to turn ‘gay’…lol and furthermore if someone chooses to be gay, it is their problem, not yours. Not everyone woman will abort their children… and not every man will seek another man… I don’t know where you came up with all of this nonsense, but I enjoyed reading this joke…

    • Ian says :

      …are you serious? That comment was just sad.

    • BarbieQ says :

      um. you DO know what homosexuality is, right? it seems to me like you’re talking about some kind of disease.

      also, making things illegal does NOT make them go away.

      your ignorance is hilarious and deafening.

    • Sparkles says :

      You think that if gay people are allowed to marry the entire world will magically become gay? YOU WISH! Then we would all be fabulous dressers.As it is we just have to deal with you sloppy straight men. Yáll are so gross.

    • Iwaslost says :

      Troll harder.

    • amber wood says :

      you do realize people can have surrogates? and it is straight people who are producing there homosexuals?

    • lyliakar says :

      According to some theories, homosexuality is a WIDESPREAD behaviour among ALL species, exactly for birth control reasons. There’s 7 billion people on the planet, I’m pretty sure extinction by lack of reproduction is not one of our main concerns right now. The only way I see humanity extinguish itself is through nuclear wars and environmental disasters. Now, that is something which actually concerns me.

    • Zach Barnes says :

      Are you going to become gay just because people around you are doing it?
      Don’t give in to peer pressure so easily.

      You’re an idiot

  11. Ben says :

    Ah Joshua…a good Biblical name.

    I have neither patience, nor the time, to address all of the ridiculous statements in your comment.

    Instead, I will point out one thing you say which pretty well discredits your entire argument:

    “Just imagine, every human on earth turns gay, no more reproduction of human life, bye bye humanity!”

    You see, nobody “turns gay.” It is biological. You are born with a sexual preference for one sex or the other.

    And before you say, “But Ben, what about this guy I know who left his wife and kids and started having anal sex,” just keep in mind that homosexuality has faced enormous societal pressure, so of course there are massive amounts of repression…take you, for instance.

    And don’t worry about the continuity of humanity, there are enough people being brainwashed into thinking that contraception and planned parenthood is bad to keep overpopulating as it is.

    Besides, humans are due for a good old fashioned plague again, so that’ll take care of most of us before your “tsunami of homosexuality” slows the worldwide birthrate.

    • Christy says :

      Thank you!!!! When people say that homosexuality is a choice, I look at them and ask, “Ok, so when you got to the age of noticing either the opposite sex or the same sex, was it a conscious decision who you were attracted to? Or were you just drawn to one or the other?” Everyone I ask says no, I didn’t decide, I was just attracted. Hello!!!

      • T. W. says :

        Christy, you don’t know much about the cognitive side of it and about the formation of fetishes, do you? And yes, people do chose who they have sex with. The more one fixates on something, the more it becomes wired in, THAT’S a neuro-psychological fact.

        Are pedophiles “born that way”? If so, why should they be persecuted as they are in Western society? Cognitive dissonance right there!

    • T. W. says :

      The fallacy here is that the unscientific assumption is made that ALL gay people are gay for the same reason, when few, if any, realize that being gay is a multi-factoral condition. There are several ways and reasons why people become gay, and science has yet to prove it’s biological. But, even so, that would only be a small fraction of the gay population.

      I even recently dated a 38 year old woman who would dress her 5-year old son in little girl’s clothes at home. She started doing that MUCH earlier than when he was 5. He’s a sweet natured kid, but is terrified of men in general. I’d probably be too if my father also told me once, “Hey, do you want to see the gun that I’m going to shoot your mommy with?” Yeah, that’s the kind of father type he has. And who’s to blame him? With a violent and angry father like that, I wouldn’t be so inclined to identify with him as a kid.

      One psychological thing that influences homosexuality for a male is a domineering mother who can’t stand the notion of her son showing any masculinity or independence because that would mean that one day he will replace her with another female as his prominent female figure in his life. So, in this instance, she inadvertently either has a son that becomes gay or becomes some sort of “Don Juan” type who just goes from one woman to another, never committing to any woman/lover because that would be replacing his mother figure. But you cam be certain that behind that Don Juan-type is a mother who is either constantly stroking her son’s hair and treats him as a sort of symbolic husband.

      Do some research yourself. What I’ve just talked about is termed a “puer aeternus”, and there’s been a few books written about it.

      NO ONE is gay for the same reason as the next, there are SEVERAL ways a person can become gay. Just like there are several ways a person can get cancer.

      Lastly, homosexuality isn’t found in nature as much as it is in humans. Yes, I just said that. It’s well known that animals have done acts of same-sex mating, but it’s usually because they don’t know what they are doing. A horny dog will hump just about anything, living or not, even trees. But, you don’t really see the degree of homosexual bonding in other animals anything like to the degree that you see in humans, not even close.

      Now, all that being said, I have no “hate” for gays. People are people, pure and simple. Not agreeing with it doesn’t mean that I’m “phobic” because why in the hell would I be afraid of them? Not agreeing with it doesn’t equate to hating them, anymore if I disagree with a cop does that mean I hate the cop.

      Western culture is obsessed with many things along with it’s love/cult of unrealistic optimism… there’s also too much of a focus on identity formation. With each generation this sort of search for “identity” gets more and more protracted… we are obsessed with image and identity. A few hundred years ago, this wasn’t so much of an issue. We didn’t exactly have all this casual time to spend and deliberate on something so trivial as that. I’m straight, but I don’t “identify” with my straightness, it’s just a part of me, not core of who I am.

      And yeah, there will come a time that another fringe portion of the population will also want marriage, Just as history has always shown us. There are incestuous couples that would love the right to marry. There are bother and sister couples out there, but they are in the closet, naturally. Who’s to say that in 30 or 40 years they will want marriage rights, too? What if a stipulation of their marriage is that they first agree to become sterilized? What about NAMBLA? There are several cases in history where it was considered socially acceptable, but never in Christian societies. Some samurai had gay lovers who trained under them, the Romans did it, so did the Greeks. All to name just a few. It may sound crazy, but just wait and see. It will happen again just as it has before.

      Sorry, but I just don’t believe in gay marriage, and not because of some “religious” thing. There’s a reason why the two sexes exist. THAT’S the elephant in the room. They were were created through evolution with the other in mind. It’s patently and painfully obvious. Flame me if you want, hate me if you want, but just know that in doing so you will become a hypocrite. Hating another because they disagree with you? THAT’S just as ridiculous a gay marriage.

      • Beth says :

        While being gay may come from many different factors, your last paragraph shows you don’t really understand your own argument. Evolution doesn’t happen with anything in mind; therefore, marriage (which is a social construct) and the evolutionary process are unrelated (among other reasons). If we acted according to our “evolutionary goal” (there is none), then couples who choose not to have kids, people who never marry, people who adopt, and people who are infertile would be “working against” evolution as well. Where is the diatribe against those people?

        Our evolution isn’t at risk. Even if it were, we’ll all be long gone before we even see a smidgen of change in the human condition. Anyway, this isn’t how evolution works, and we as higher-thinking animals don’t bend to the whim of our genes. (If we did, we wouldn’t fight cancer, dye our hair, go on diets, drink caffeine, etc.)

        Marriage was invented as a way to secure safety, power, land, titles, and other things we don’t worry about today. Marriage has evolved. It will continue to evolve. People will love who they love, and the legal rights of married people should apply to everyone. (Marriage isn’t just about showing that you love someone, and it’s unconstitutional to extend rights to all but one group of people. That’s really the bottom line.)

  12. Ben says :

    And what the hell is an “abortionist,” anyway? Is that like an abolitionist? Is there and Underground Railroad that channels runaway fetuses up from the deep south through Detroit into Canada?

  13. jimsey says :

    as long as some countries still keep “gay” illegal, we’ll stay in good shape. (i.e. Iran, UAE)

  14. repubman says :

    heres a little sarcasm: its a good thing those comments make sense cause otherwise you might sound ignorant and stupid.

  15. Ben says :

    I think you have the covered, repubman, but thanks!

  16. Ted Burrett says :

    After reading through this article, I just feel that I really need more info. Can you suggest some resources ?

  17. Lachlan says :

    You want some sources? How about THE HOLY FUCKING BIBLE SON!!!!! If we let all these screaming namby pambies get married, the world is going to be turned on its ear. The Family unit will be desecrated beyond measure, and as a result the world’s morality will fall to pieces. We currently have a nation of loving families, consisting of men and women, who all are devoted to their children and ensuring their happiness and well being. Like that other guy said, if we let these flaming homos marry, then all of a sudden all procreation will CEASE! Vaginas country wide will be penisless, and noone will be able to get pregnant. You know what the rate of unmarried pregnancy is in this country??? ZERO, SON! You pinko liberals with your fucking commie homo agendas make me sick. There’ll be pedophiles everywhere, and bestialists. It’ll be Sodom and Gomorrah all over again. Why don’t you fags get back in the closet where you belong, and leave the sacred institution of marriage to the wholesome heterosexuals (i.e NORMAL PEOPLE!) who will cherish and protect it, and hold it in high estemm like it currently is. There’s a shitstorm of fire and brimstone on the horizon for all you sinners, and it’s on its way.

    • jenr2572 says :

      Lachlan, you’re being sarcastic right? i sorta figured you are or you definatly dont live in america…

    • Lady says :

      Bahahahaha love it….ZERO, SON!

    • Christy says :

      You know, Lachlan, the Bible also says judge not, lest ye be judged. Who cares what other people do? It’s not up to anyone but God to decide who’s sinning and who isn’t. By the way, aren’t the worst offenders Catholic priests? So many alter boys will never be the same. Seems to me like the worst finger pointers are the most guilty.

    • Sparkles says :

      sounds like you are the reason the world might go topsy turvy. Also sounds like ignorance isn’t always bliss. Have some chocolate.

    • sharemyday says :

      I’m heterosexual, but I’m far from normal. And did you really use a filty swear word to describe the Holy Bible? WOW

  18. Carl says :

    Hahaha, I actually enjoy reading the “anti gay” comments on here. They’re so pathetic and completely void of logic that they actually serve to re-enforce the argument. Awesome!

  19. Terry says :

    Generally when I read a Republican’s comment on an article or blog I laugh A LOT, because of their incredibly poor spelling and grammar. Which I might add, makes Rick Santorum’s latest outcry about education turning everyone into liberals even more funny. Perhaps Rick has a point though, are they just too stupid to succeed in college or too afraid of learning about economics, society, and being a human? Food for thought.

  20. Jason says :

    Good points. On the basis of this I’ve decided to stop being a homophobe!

  21. Jophus says :

    There are 1,138 legal benefits provided by the government to a married couple.

  22. Ben says :

    Hey everyone – nice to see this old fellow is still generating some discussion – mostly positive, as well! Thanks for the various shares and comments.

    • Lachlan says :

      Pfft, that sounds like something a homo would say.

      • Chris S. Mason says :

        ^^^^ i think lachlan was touched one too many times :P and btw, “let he who is without sin cast the first stone” so unless you are perfect, i suggest stfu and just be on your day, cuz obviously, you missed your last clan and/or nazi meeting and are taking it out on “gays” who did nothing to you. not your place to judge them, let everyone meet there make and reach whatever judgement they have in store based on their actions in THEIR lives, yes “their” was emphasized. The reason for that, is oh guess what…IT SHOULDN’T MATTER CUZ IT’S NOT YOUR LIFE!!!!! So i respectfully ask you to plz pull the angry dildo out of your ass and plz respectfully put it in the trash can of shamed, and otherwise ignorant.

  23. Lachlan says :

    Chris…..please go back, and reread this entire blog post. Take careful note of Ben’s very first sentence. Now reread his full post, again taking care to pay close attention to the words he is using.
    Now reread the comments made after the post, (particularly mine, since you seem to be a little butt hurt about them).

    Do you notice something you missed the first time? Go ahead, I’ll wait………
    In case you’re still in the dark, i’ll help you out a little. It’s called SARCASM, SON! It’s ok, it’s rarely used on the internet, so I don’t expect you to recognise it when it smacks you in the face.

  24. Nancy Crocker says :

    I think they are just scared that gay marriages might have better than a 40% success rate and that it would make the right-wing, Christian straight people look like a bunch of self-righteous hypocrites if that happened.
    Oh …. whoopsie-doodle – they already do!

    My bad.

  25. Tianna says :

    Yes homosexuality is a sin in the bible but not unforgiveable and who are we to judge anyone just because they choose to be happy with themselves a different way then us straight people. I love the gay people for who they are and I wouldn’t change them. If they are happy with their lives I am happy for them. It’s none of our business what goes on behind closed doors anyways. To all you gay/lesbians out there rock on and be proud of who you are and don’t

    • Tianna says :

      let anyone try to change you!!!!

      • Tianna says :

        I am a Christian woman 24 of age and I leave the judgements up to God because He is the only true one allowed to judge anyone!!! “Thou shall love thy neighbor with all thine heart and soul.”

  26. Tianna says :

    I do realize all of these comments are sarcasm but mine are not and I stand up for what’s right!!!

  27. BreezyGurl says :

    I wish so badly for a “Like” or “Agree” or “Hallelujah!” button for so many of these comments!

    One of my favorites:

    “So let’s get this straight…

    Charlie Sheen can make a “porn family”
    Kelsey Grammer ended his 15 year marriage over the phone
    Larry King is on divorce number 9
    Britney Spears had a 55 hour marraige
    Jesse James & Tiger Woods (whilst married) were having sex with everyone

    But somehow it’s same-sex marriage that is going to “destroy the institution of marriage”

    Really?!?!”

    And one more, cause I can’t help myself…

    “If you don’t like gay marriage, blame straight people. They’re the ones who keep having gay babies.”

    Love,
    A Straight Girl for MARRIAGE EQUALITY!!

  28. Imi Lichtenfeld says :

    I wonder which sexual fetish is going to raised to a super status next?

  29. frank says :

    If god says to obey man made law n gay marriage is legalized,… Does this make it a leap hole in the system??

  30. bonnie says :

    Ben…Lachian…and a few of the others……OMG…this is so funny….laughing so hard i almost peed my pants!!!

  31. Jen says :

    awesome

  32. poverello78 says :

    This would be funnier to me if it didn’t use cynicism under the guise of sarcasm, or already fucked up and unrelated situations as “ironic comparisons”; as though “being tall” is a behaviour which can be encouraged; or that homosexuality produces some beneficial result, as air conditioning; or a 55-hour-long heterosexual marriage is something which anyone actually does find sanctity in. The implied “arguments” are so obviously specious that all I see here is a propagation of emotive desire and dishonest thought desperately grasping for something to hold on to.

    To assist those who might make assumptions about motive, based on appearances, as a standard means of deriving “information” about who and what people believe so as to avoid any real discussion about the topic and pursue ad hominem methods (rather than asking questions and deriving truth), I’m not against gay marriage.

    • Ben says :

      So it would be funnier to you if it weren’t…funny? I did appreciate you trying to cram all your big words into one comment, though.

  33. Nicole hallett says :

    Having gay family i think this is offensive everyone has the right to be happy what gives us the right to tell people otherwise

  34. jn says :

    Number 8 is actually almost true.

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