Oatmeal Cream Pie Deathmatch Grand Finale

So, loyal readers will remember that, due to some fantasy sports wrangling, I have been contractually obligated to consume one box of Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pies (that’s 12 pies, folks) in one minute.

Since a trip to visit Jimsey was at the top of my list upon my triumphant return to Toronto, this past weekend presented the perfect opportunity to fulfill my obligations.  What follows is the result of my efforts.  Just for the record, it is MUCH harder to eat an oatmeal cream pie than I remember it.

Enjoy!

Mouth Watering

Can someone please explain to me the new trend among beer makers to come up with the most disgusting swills in the world? First in the mainstream was Miller’s Salty Brew, “Miller Chill”. Then Anheuser-Busch said, “oh no you don’t Miler! I bet we can make your stomach churn even quicker!” And Budweiser Chelada was born. A-B succeeded admirably in that department, especially in the vomit inducing, esophagus destroying department.

Now comes along A-B’s counter to Miller Chill, creatively titled, “Bud Light Lime“. If this beverage is any worse than Chelada, I will be astonished just buy how disgusting a mass-manufactured beverage can be. While I’m at it, whatever happened to “Bud E”? Or “Natty Up”?

So in lieu of these unfortunate offerings, I give the world the gift of the Palomino Joe. I guarantee it to taste better than all three aforementioned beverages combined (oh wait, that’s not a bad idea, mix them all together, can’t be any worse).

Palomino Joe

1. Begin with one Miller Lite Bottle
2. Drink about 3 oz.
3. Order Shot of Wild Turkey, pour contents into Miller Lite Bottle.
4. Take slice of lime and insert it a la you would for a Corona

Voila, your first Palomino Joe. Enjoy responsibly.

Oatmeal Cream Pie Deathmatch

In an effort to secure a much needed boost to my fantasy basketball team, Big Ben’s Ballers, leading up to the playoffs, it appears I have sold my sold to the devil. Or at least to Little Debbie.

For those unfortunate souls who aren’t in my league, I’ll just let you know that Jimsey’s team, the aptly named “worst team ever,” are perennial cellar dwellers. At last check there is not statistical chance for Jimsey to make the playoffs.

As such, I’ve proposed a trade to get some of his better players - unfair for the other members? Maybe. Do I feel bad? Absolutely not. Anyway, as part of the trade package, I’m shipping Jimsey Andris Biedrins and Jamario Moon. That’s not the hard part, though.

The hard part is the write in clause Jimsey inserted. By accepting this trade I am agreeing to consume “1 (one) box of Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pies in 1 (one) minute.”

There are some ground rules, though. I AM permitted to unwrap them all before time starts, so that helps. I AM NOT permitted to have a glass of milk. There haven’t been any rules set out around premature ejection of said cream pies, however.

I calculate that I have 5 seconds to consume each cream pie. I’m estimating that the first six will be faster than the last six, so I’m giving myself 3 seconds for each of the first six, plus two seconds for unanticipated tounge biting. That leaves me 40 seconds to eat the last six, or 6.666666666666 seconds per pie.

So mark your calendars for March 29th, 2008, 12:00 p.m. EST and contact your bookie.