Mouth Watering

Can someone please explain to me the new trend among beer makers to come up with the most disgusting swills in the world? First in the mainstream was Miller’s Salty Brew, “Miller Chill”. Then Anheuser-Busch said, “oh no you don’t Miler! I bet we can make your stomach churn even quicker!” And Budweiser Chelada was born. A-B succeeded admirably in that department, especially in the vomit inducing, esophagus destroying department.

Now comes along A-B’s counter to Miller Chill, creatively titled, “Bud Light Lime“. If this beverage is any worse than Chelada, I will be astonished just buy how disgusting a mass-manufactured beverage can be. While I’m at it, whatever happened to “Bud E”? Or “Natty Up”?

So in lieu of these unfortunate offerings, I give the world the gift of the Palomino Joe. I guarantee it to taste better than all three aforementioned beverages combined (oh wait, that’s not a bad idea, mix them all together, can’t be any worse).

Palomino Joe

1. Begin with one Miller Lite Bottle
2. Drink about 3 oz.
3. Order Shot of Wild Turkey, pour contents into Miller Lite Bottle.
4. Take slice of lime and insert it a la you would for a Corona

Voila, your first Palomino Joe. Enjoy responsibly.

Chelada?

I perhaps may have encountered one of the worst canned beverages ever. I’m not even talking crystal pepsi bad, not natty ice bad, nor even some chili beer I read about.

Now I’m a fan of the sauce, not in the 12-steps kinda way fan, but chances are if it contains alcohol, I will tie it on (mouthwash excluded). I’ve drank some pretty wretched mixed drinks and shots, they were either made while rustling through Ben’s liquor cabinet, or asking a bartender for the most disgusting shot he knows. (A variation on the Mexican Mouthwash if you must know, but add Tabasco, sour cream and pepper corns).

A friend of mine knows my penchant for Clamato, so while perusing the local grocery mart, he encountered a Budweiser concoction of Clamato & Budweiser (or bud Light if you are watching the waist). I ran out and promptly found some at my local grocer.

Okay, here’s the math:

Beer(Usually quite yummy (except for the chili beer)) + Clamato(Always yummy) = Quite potentially one of the worst things known to man. Imagine a fizzy tomato flavored red pop that gets you drunk. Unfortunately before you can even begin to get a buzz going, the stomach pangs of the putrid stank eating away your esophagus are sending you reaching for your duodenitis medication.

Ps: I have three cans of this stuff in my fridge, so If anyone wants some, let me know.

Representative Poopy Pants (D-MI)

That’s right, apparently its far more important that our State Representatives in Michigan tackle the big issues, like the budget, health care, and crapping your pants in public.

HB 5046 enables those with Irritable Bowel Syndrome or Crohn’s disease (but not duodenitis) access to a bathroom at a retailer, when one is not available to the public.

So all of your card carrying IBS-ers, make sure you always have your prescription handy when shopping for your ChristMAS goodies, otherwise, the retailer doesn’t have to let you in.

There’s also a loophole to allow for those with either a) a bun in the oven or b) have present an ostomy device. So maybe some of you who are fat (but not pregnant) can lie your way into the exclusive club behind the sealed doors at Walgreen’s to drop some kids off at the pool. Or if you’re willing to carry around an ostomy bag. I’m willing to bet if anyone started waving around their ostomy bag before the passage of HB5046, any employee would quickly show you the way to the loo.

Of note, the sponsor of the bill Andy Meisner (D-Ferndale) came and spoke at my high school in 1999. I passed a note to a student and called him a nerd. Rep Meisner found the note, and apparently was upset. So Representative Meisner, I’m the asshat.