2008 Presidential campaign issues too tough for you?

If you’re like most Americans you prefer your news in short 30 second sounds-bites.  You know, like Fox News: “War in Iraq a-okay, immigrants bad, biased liberal media at it again.”

If this is your style then you might be feeling overwhelmed by all of these so-called “issues” you hear about regarding candidates for the 2008 presidential election.  Do any of us really have the time to read a whole newspaper full of words and stuff anymore?

Fear not, Ben Co. to the rescue.  The Washington Post has been kind enough to provide a sophisticated “issue coverage tracker”which ranks issues related to a particular candidate in the same manner as tag clouds.

But even this might be confusing for the average voter.  To help, I’ve developed a users guide on how to best apply this to conversations in order to sound like you know what you’re talking about:

1. Choose a candidate - in this example we’ll choose Hillary Clinton.

2. Pick your issue and look at how big the letters are.  Memorize the issue and the size of the letters. Let’s pick health care, it’s big.

3.  Here’s the tricky part.  If you are in a conversation about Hillary Clinton you have to decide if you should be for health care or against health care.  Don’t worry if you don’t really know what the issue is about, that’s not required.

3a. If you are for health care you would say, “That Clinton, she’s all over the health care issue” while nodding your head vigorously.

3b.  If you are against health care you would say, “That Clinton, she’s all over the health care issue” while shaking your head vigorously.

4. If you forget these rules, don’t panic. Here’s your fallback.  If you blank, just remember the issue and the size of the letters, and say the name of the issue at a corresponding volume.  For example, if someone says, “What do you think of Hillary Clinton?” you would respond by yelling ”HEALTH CARE!”

There, you can now go to your next cocktail party armed with all the tools you need to masterfully debate the upcoming election.  You’re welcome! 

Attractive Woman/Ugly Man Syndrome

And we’re back.

I had the good fortune of spending much of my holiday sitting in airports.  This is exciting for a number of reasons (overpriced food, fun security announcements - the threat level was orange), but mainly because it gives me a wonderful opportunity to observe the human species.  Or at least the portion of the human species that can afford to fly.

And this latest dose of humanity has reaffirmed my belief in the “Attractive Woman/Ugly Man” theory.  This has been discussed before (here and here, for example) and any number of reasons have been suggested.  I especially like the supply and demand theory that there are simply more beautiful women than attractive men in the world (excluding China, of course - that whole one child, male dominance thing messes it up).

So what are my most recent findings?  In Minnesota, there are any number of reasonably attractive (in a wholesome, corn-fed sort of way) women who are paired with a pudgy guy wearing his Dale Earnhardt Jr. hat, camo hunting jacket, and work boots.  In Calgary this was much the same, although the women tended to be a little more attractive, and the men replaced the work boots with cowboy boots.  And tighter jeans.  Yeek.

Among my own friends I have one in particular who is perfectly attractive, intelligent, and funny, yet seems consistently drawn to the balding, overweight, goofy looking guys.  Most interesting is that this does not seem to be by choice - she prefers men with rugged good looks (such as myself, obviously), yet seems to keep coming back to the opposite.

Perhaps it’s a biological mechanism - there’s a better chance of ensuring a stable source of reproductive material if you don’t have to worry about your man running off.

Or maybe it’s for emotional reasons - again, an ugly guy might be a safe guy.

Personally, I attribute it to a combination of these two factors.  In most species the female plays the more pivotal role - reproduction, learning/teaching, protection - essentially everything required for the continuing existence of a species.  This goes for humans.  Take lions, for example.  Aside from serving as a walking sperm bank and occasionally killing another lions cubs, male lions are essentially useless.  The same goes for human males.  So why should a woman take the risk with an attractive man when this only increases the risk of “cross-pollination,” if you will?

Whatever the reasons, it’s happening.  And don’t get me wrong, this is a phenomenon that has benefited me - what other reason could there be for my wife marrying me?

Happy Holidays

So, for my three loyal readers, all the best.  I will be back bigger and better than ever after a short break.

Until then, this will have to tide you over:

Quebec: Land of poutine, discrimination, and snow tires

Quebec is an enigma to me, much along the same lines as Texas, Crocs, or tounge piercings.  I just don’t get it. 

Quebec longs for recognition of their “distinct society” in Canada while attempting to force immigrants to assimilate.  Quebec gave us poutine, which is unsettling when you really analyze it. 

And Quebec gave us Bon Homme, who scares the pants off of me. (He’s no Mr. Bump.)

So now, further strange news from our pea-soup eating friends.  The Government of Quebec has annouced that winter tires will be mandatory for all cars from Nov. 15 to Apr. 15.

Julie Boulet, Minister of Transportation, states that “There is no price when it comes to road safety.”  Let me get this straight.  Through all of last year 717 people died on Quebec roads.  In 2004, over 2,200 people died from falls (from bed, stairs, etc.) alone [Source: CANSIM, table 102-0540, Statistics Canada].  Does this mean we should ban all stairs?

I guess my main point here is that this seems to be an absolutely absurd waste of time and money.  According to the Globe and Mail, over 90% of drivers use snow tires now, before any legislation.  Have they determined that those extra 10% without snow tires account for all 717 deaths?

Je me souvien idiots.

How cool is this?

So, just dinking around looking at other blogs and I came across this: images of a “super-massive” black hole unleashing an enormous beam of energy into a nearby galaxy.

Apparently this energy beam can completely demolish atmospheres of planets, but also can bring about the formation of new stars.  Now if I can just harness to work for the forces of good my master plan would be complete!

Oh, and I love saying “super-massive.”  I will now incorporate it into my speech more often.  Such as: “So I was eating a banana, and then this super-massive desire for banana bread come upon me.”  So how much cooler that sentence is?

This post was super-massive.

More good municipal planning news from Minnesota

Last week I highlighted a nice affordable housing complex in Minnesota that went green here.  Now there is more good news from Minneapolis, according to the New York Times.

15 years ago the Phillips neighbourhood was similar to many inner-city urban areas: abandoned, derelict buildings abounded, drug traffic was rampant, and residents were fleeing. 

Now, through the work of the Hope Community, the area is in the middle of a major revitalization project.  The group has acquired homes in the area with the help of the city, rehabilitated 10 houses, and developed a 126 affordable housing units, a playground and a community centre.  Plans are in the works for two more projects, one a mixed-use building with 49 rental units and 6,000 sq feet of commercial space.

It appears that the Hope Community has taken a “whole-community” approach to their re-development in an effort to prepare for gentrification as it pushes up from the downtown core.  By creating a mix of affordable housing and mixed use properties Hope Community seeks to develop an area that can be revitalized without forcing out existing residents.

Politicians fear fallout from U.S. viewers denied TV

Let me set the scene for you:  It is Feburary 17, 2009.  Over 20 million U.S. residents gather around their television sets which are hooked up to antennas which are designed to receive free analog television broadcasts.

They turn them on, ready to bask in the warm glow of Fear Factor or Survivor 29: Wamsutter, Wyoming.  And they see nothing but static.  Panic ensues.  Rioting.  Nationwide protests.  The President is impeached and the U.S. descends into anarchy.

Yes, this is the future according to Senator Claire McCaskill (D - Missouri).  Apparently the U.S. will stop broadcasting analog signals in 2009 and only those with digital or satellite receivers will be able to watch television.  Senator McCaskill states that “There is no anger that comes close to the anger of an American that cannot get television,” and with that sentence sums up everything that is wrong with the United States.

Now, imagine a headline along these lines: “Politicians fear fallout from U.S. citizens: angered over Darfur; angered over war in Iraq; angered over removal of freedoms in the name of ‘war on terror’; angered over failure to take steps to address climate change.”  But no, instead we have a Senator who is concerned that politicians will suffer a backlash from constituents who can’t watch Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader or Dancing With the Stars.

Don’t get me wrong, I have no doubts at all that Americans will be upset.  I would in fact be disappointed if U.S. citizens did not rally around this very important issue.  I mean, what is an unjust war, world genocide, or catastrophic climate change in comparison to this disaster!  Think of what this means:  for some people, those poor souls without a digital receiver, they might be forced to converse with their family, take a walk, or read a (gasp!) newspaper.  This, in turn, means that a whole segment of the population might become dimly aware that all is not rosy in the U.S., and might even question the political direction of the country.

 But who am I kidding…the current U.S. government would never allow the possibility of this revival of consciousness to occur.  Fear not, subsidies are on the way.  Yes, the government has earmarked a $1.5-billion dollar subsidy (yeah, billion, you saw that right) to provide up to 2 $40 vouchers per household to help defray the cost of getting a new converter box.

Why sink that $1.5-billion into something worthless like education, methods to combat poverty, or something as silly as sustainable resource development when you could continue to placate the masses.

Now I must run, my shows almost on…what was I upset about again?

Check out the full article after the split.

Silly Searches, Vol. 1

Well, Ben Co. has been around long enough now for me to release the first volume of bizarre and/or amusing search terms that have directed people to my fair blog.  Enjoy!

1. “sugar” - Not funny in itself, but I think of some poor grandma in Hopkins, MN who is looking for information.  Cut to a horrifying scene in the ER as she is treated for cardiac arrest after finding Ben Co.
2. “how to make an evil lair” - there are lots of variations on this one.  I want to meet this person, though, and get on his good side before he finds that volcano.
3. “flying cars” - this just makes me giggle.
4. “kids can’t read cartoon” - I’m not sure if this is a statement or a question.
5. “eating chocolate pics” - I’m a very open guy in all aspects of life, but if this is some weird fetish, I sure haven’t heard about it.  I just hope they really mean chocolate.
6. “forbid cartoons” - Maybe the same person as #4?  I’m seeing a real puritanical streak, here.  He’s not invited to any of my parties.
7. “i want to leave edmonton” - Hard to argue with this.
8. “Just do me”- Well…we do aim to please at Ben Co.  I can’t for the life of me figure out what on the blog pointed that term here.
9. “poeple ben killed” - Whoa.  Time to move again.
10. “mukmuk”- It makes me happy to know there is at least one other person besides Jimsey and I who get a kick out of MukMuk.
11. “ben elling” - I’m freakin’ famous!
12. “aqua velva” - Who searches for this?  Honestly?
13. “gay ben 10″- Hey!  And there’s variations on this…hmm.
14. “overweight cops use tasers”- I’ve gotten tons of hits for Taser related stuff, but this one was funny.
15. “original waffle”- que? No entiendo.
16. “MR BUMP”- tee hee.
17. And my personal favourite? 
    A tie between “IBS humor” and “colostomy bag” - I fully appreciate someone who can laugh at Irritable Bowl Syndrome, but I feel for the poor schlub who needs the colostomy bag.